Thursday, November 2nd
2017
[Diary Entry #2]
I no longer remember how to fall into love. Never no more am I able
to carelessly and subconsciously FALL in love with someone in that completely
oblivious way. Though I truly wish I could, I can no longer stumble over love
as though I didn’t at first notice its presence. Though I can often find
someone new to obsesses over, it is always only infatuation; nothing more. It
becomes quite a problem because then I start to try and convince myself that I
like someone more than I actually do. Then I get upset with myself when I
realize I never liked them enough to date them in the first place.
So now when I find someone who is genuine
and kind, I shy away because I’m terrified. I have started to wonder if I will
ever find someone good enough to date. I have impossible standards; I don’t
realize it, but I expect them to be better than me even, which is never fair to
ask of someone.
So I wonder if I’ll ever have a desire to
date anyone again. I am so terrified of commitment, when it comes to every
aspect of life, but especially relationships. I am scared of getting hurt, but
I am also terrified of hurting someone. And I think I still feel guilty for all
the times I’ve ever hurt someone, or broken a heart, even though those people
are probably already over it. They’ve probably already moved on, I mean as much
as you can; I think with matters of the heart, these things will stay with you
forever, even if they’re just a tiny, little fragment of a memory. Maybe it
doesn’t even hurt anymore, but it will always sit with you in your soul.
I am always consciously, cautiously walking into love, as if tiptoeing
across a bed of eggshells; all the while terrified that the bits of shell will
suddenly, without warning turn to shards of glass before I can reach the other
side.
But is there an “other side”? I feel like
we wish there was a “safe ground,” a point that when reached we are finally
free, finally safe... But, what if, in love, there really never is a comfortable
space, free of worry and fear?
I think that once we reach this point, we
become bored, dissatisfied. What if one could become too comfortable in love? Is this the infamous place where we fall
out of love? Or is it just when we realize that we had already, long ago,
fallen out of love? Is this why people say that they are trying to keep their
love life exciting? Other people might disagree and say that if your
relationship has become boring, then it’s too late and you should just give up.
But I’ve heard many couples say that thinking that love is easy and that
relationships shouldn’t be work is ridiculous; it’s just not realistic.
Relationships are something that you must continue to work on and nurture. It
sounds exhausting, I know, but I guess that’s the price you pay for something
that beautiful; lifelong love; love that stands the test of time, that can
knock down anything in its way.
That would really be something, wouldn’t it?
