Thoughts on Love

Sun 01|01|2017

[Diary Entry #1]

I don’t think you realize how taken I am with you. How a smile a crosses my face when the thought of you enters my mind.

It had been a while since I’d seen you and it took me by surprise. I was breathless at the sight of you. Taken by your charm, and your bubbly energy; you were so stunning. Dancing with you is a rush of excitement and a thrill of a new crush. But I, I don’t think you know, how taken I am with you.

But that’s probably a good thing; because, just like every other obsession that I have with someone new, after a while, it will fade away; those feelings of excitement and obsession.

Cause after a while, I’m not interested anymore. I get obsessed with the thought of someone but not who they really are.

I guess I make accusations and judgments about someone before I even really know them. And so I’ve fallen in love with something that they’re not. But I’m not really in love, I’m just infatuated. And I usually don’t do anything about it, because I know after a while, I’ll realize that it was just a phase.

So I wonder if I’ll ever, truly fall for someone, one day. If I’ll ever really meet someone and think, “This time I know I like you. I’m sure. I know I want to peruse something with you.”

Last time this happened, he didn’t like me back. And I think it’s probably because I actually liked him. Usually, I’m scared to say anything, because once the other person shows that they’re interested, that scares me away. And then my feelings of attraction fade, very quickly.

I’m scared to say anything to you, because I think you go to school somewhere that’s far away from me. And I’m already worried about falling out of attraction with someone, even when it’s not long distance. So I don’t think I’m ready for long distance at all.

I feel like I am ready for a serious relationship, whatever that means.

Do you ever see someone and just think “I wish I could stare at them forever. I wish I could attain them. I wish I could hold them. I wish they could be mine.”

Do you ever just want someone? Not sexually... but do you ever just want someone so badly and you don’t even understand what that means but you know what it feels like and it’s so overwhelming.

And you want to talk to them as much as possible and you want to just look at them. It’s almost more enjoyable sometimes to look at them from a distance. But you can’t just stare at someone forever. Then again, it’s almost more fun when you’re talking to them, but then you actually have to form coherent sentences, which is distracting when you’re trying to appreciate their looks up close.

I found you attractive from the first moment I saw you. But is that just physical attraction? Or is there something more? Is there something more to it? I guess I’ll never know.

I don’t wanna say anything to you, because then you’ll think that I’m interested and that will scare you away. And then we won’t be able to go back to being normal acquaintances, to being just friends. If you know I’m interested, and that makes you interested, then that’ll make me uncomfortable.

Because once someone’s interested in you, it just creates pressure. They’re expecting something from you, even if it’s just you talking to them or spending time with them or you liking them back. Once they have the expectation that you like them that is the very thing that causes me to not like them anymore.

And I can’t explain that to you because there’s no logic in it, obviously. Sometimes I wish I could understand my heart. I always think that I’m so strong, so courageous, and so tough emotionally. And I always think that I’m unafraid to dive into emotionality.

But whenever I like someone, I don’t know if it’s because I’m scared, but I make excuses. It’s not that I fear rejection, because I don’t all that much. I mean it hurts, but you get over it.

I’m afraid that once I confess my feelings, once I make a move, it’ll cause said feelings to disappear. And then I will have led you on, which is something I’ve done before, because I thought that I liked the person, but I just ended up hurting them.

But once I see who someone really is, I don’t like them anymore. Because they’re not what I made them out to be, they’re not the perfect image that I envisioned them to be. They’re real, they’re flawed. They’re not always looking gorgeous every second. They’re not always a good person, with good intentions; because no one can have good thoughts and good intentions every moment of their life. We’re all selfish and conceited sometimes. We’re all damaged; we’re all making mistakes, because that’s how we learn.

I just want someone who... I don’t want pressure, or a challenge. I want exclusivity, but I don’t want jealousy. I want it to be comfortable, but I don’t want laziness within the relationship. I want to be able to live in unison with someone, or live comfortably, knowing the other person is there for you and adores you.

I just wanna be held. I just want a guy to wrap his arms around me; and to feel safe and loved; just like every other person in this life. I want someone to tell me that I’m special, that I’m different, that I’m beautiful, that I’m elegant, perfect and flawless. I wish I could be perfect, but everyone knows that’s nonsense. Perfection is nonsense, and it’s boring.

I just want a man to hold my face in his hands, and kiss me... gently, softly, slowly, and sweetly. I just wanna wrap my arms around his neck, and feel happy and content; because I hardly ever have moments of pure joy, or bliss, or happiness.

And I guess that’s what makes us really enjoy those moments, because they don’t happen that often. Hopefully it makes us enjoy those kinds of relationships, because they don’t come around all that often. They don’t come to everyone; some people never find that. So when you do find it, I think you should hold onto it. You should realize then and there, and appreciate it before it’s too late.

And that’s what I want. Right now, I don’t want someone that I’m gonna marry and have kids with. Cause I’m not to that part of my life yet.

I just want someone who I can love, who is gonna love me back. Who’s gonna tell me that I can do anything. Who’s gonna inspire me, because they work hard, and they live a healthy life; filled with family and friends, and they follow their dreams and goals. They wake up every morning and they greet the day with a smile.

I wanna be that kind of person and I want someone who’s that kind of person too.

I think that you can only find love once you stop waiting for it, once you stop searching for it, once you stop wishing it to come to you. When you let go and focus on yourself, when you focus on being happy, then good things come to you. Once you stop looking for something, that’s when it decides to drop into your life.

So I think I should focus on other things, and only then will the man of my dreams come walking into my life. And I really, really hope that I recognize it. And that I grasp onto it, and that I don’t let it slip through my fingers. I hope I appreciate it, every single minute. And live every second to the fullest. So that when it leaves my life, that love will be a fond memory that I can go back to whenever I’m feeling down, or whenever I feel that I’ll never find love again. I’ll remind myself that I found it once before; and it was beautiful and special.

I know that the love of my life is out there, and he’s waiting for me, just as I’m waiting for him. And that is so incredibly comforting; to know that one day I will find my soulmate. Because I like to believe that we all have that one person that we’re meant to be with. Maybe that’s ridiculous, but I have to believe in it, it’s the only thing that gets me through the day. I just hope that I recognize it when it comes along.

And when the person comes along that I’m meant to be with, in this next part of my life, I hope with every piece of my heart that I’m not too afraid to take that leap. Cause it’s worse regretting something that you didn’t do, than regretting something that you did do.